090114. A little rant.

Just another night, insomniac.

Just like to rant a little all for and by myself.
You know, life could be such a bitch. Especially at times when you thought you already meet enough bitches.

Now looking back my past few months. I really have to give myself a pat on my shoulder, and smile to myself, " not bad, Isaac. Still very Isaac."

I remember during the time of Facebook first started, you'll have to put a description for yourself. The naive mind of the 18 put there "Like no others". Yes, in case you are old enough, you would have notice that it sounds so familiar. It was a tag line for Sony during those days. All I wanted, was to be very myself. And I always told the others that you do not have to live in the shadow of the others, unless you decide that is who you are trying to learn from. (Hence ever since I was born with a mouth and verbally gifted, I have never left my sacarsm too far away from myself. That's pretty much myself. )

What happened the past few months, left me thinking over and over again. That decision to free myself from what I have been fighting for for years is like letting go of the rope while I was hanging at the tip of the edge. I fall free, knowing that it is a hard landing, but not knowing what come next.

And what come next was really something remarkable. I have touching moments, too I have heartbreaking ones. Never in my own life have I have taken so many rejection personally. I mean yes, I did faces rejections a lot of time, but non of those was directed to me, as a person, before. I am now being questioned for my flaws and everything being myself. I was offered route that was not best for me, but told that I should just take it as it was given. I was advise to stay save, as they believed I could never survive the other side of the world.

So how?  After so many struggle, I had chosen to leave. At least, I had my dignity with me. I left with my own will and I leave that door being Isaac.

Couple of days ago, my mates and I were celebrating our 1 year journey; though I'm already not there. I sincerely felt wasted. I've been living my life for 3 years fighting for the believe that have in the end turns it back and questioned me. My wit and strength turns into venom for those that scared of it. I had never been disgrace as much. I had never been living my life, as suffering and tension as I'm ever had as now.

Have you ever had that feeling?
You went blank for 5 seconds in real life and your mind were winding up thoughts like it was already 30 hours.
I had.
As I reached my hand to the rack of the supermarket, my mind paused, and I drew my hands back to my pocket.
"Isaac, just save some. You don't need that. "
Fine.
"Nope, Isaac, YOU CANNOT SPEND MORE!"

It was such irony to myself.
I've live my life for 22 years, not in luxury, but never had to worry about money.
I had once worked 3 part times to sustain a life and that spending pattern that I want to.
I had pretty much never have to question myself when I want something. I'm still sensible in terms of buying.
If I really had a impulse buying, I bet you, it would be nothing more than a bar of good chocolate.
And this time, I am, telling myself, stupid things.

Damn it.
I still remember.
I still remember the name of that who make me here today.
I remember the word that was told to me, in that tone and feels.
I will never forget.
I will not forget those that turn against me.
I cannot forgive.
I cannot forgive those had make me suffer in the situation I'm am now today.
I am living a life that's to round myself with lies, pretentious smiles, and un-sincere greetings.

So many sleepless night, so many heartache. And yet, I'm still holding myself to be be in one piece. I'm still being myself.

Please pray, and don't let Isaac have it one day. Because Isaac will never ever forget. Isaac will remember the name. Isaac has no peace. Isaac isn't kind. Isaac will make sure that what was given to me, return to its rightful owner in perfect piece. Isaac will be Isaac.